


Eden Arts

by BeezandBitches



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Acting, Beez is Jade like that’s just canon, Characters aren’t one for one but like some are, Crack, Dancing, Everyone tolerates each other at least, F/F, F/M, Gabriel is Trina Vega kin, Gen, High School, I am NOT sorry let’s start with that one, I don’t have a plan so we run with it, Its JUST victorious but with Good Omens characters, M/M, Multi, Performing Arts, Singing, There are no rules here, This is gonna be episodic, Victorious AU, Yes the hit nickelodeon teen sitcom victorious, no beta reading, so much fucking crack, there’s gonna be some continuity but honestly imagine each chapter like a tv show episode
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23759350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeezandBitches/pseuds/BeezandBitches
Summary: “Hollywood Hills was a stunningly beautiful city, born of people wanting talent and fame and doing anything in their power to get it. Some people were naturally talented, and those young bright future stars congregated to Eden Arts, school for the performing arts.It was a famous school, run by ex-movie starlet herself, Miss Elohim. She had once said that anyone with enough dedication could be the next big name in lights, and so she had opened Eden Arts to nurture those talents in young people. All you had to do was prove yourself.The Fell family had been close friends with Miss Elohim, one of the great aunts being her costume manager during the 70s, and thanks to an owed favor, they got their oldest son Gabriel into Eden Arts despite him not having a whole lot of talent. Which is a shame, because their other son Aziraphale did have talent, he was just a little shy.”
Relationships: Anathema Device/Beelzebub (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley, Dagon/Uriel, Disposable Demon/Newton Pulsifer, Gabriel/Famine/Frannie, God/Agnes Nutter, Hastur/Ligur
Comments: 16
Kudos: 16





	1. Make it Shine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no explanation for myself other than it was a genius idea.
> 
> Please follow me on tumblr @BeezandBitches for more bullshit like this.

Hollywood Hills was a stunningly beautiful city, born of people wanting talent and fame and doing anything in their power to get it. Some people were naturally talented, and those young bright future stars congregated to Eden Arts, school for the performing arts. 

It was a famous school, run by ex-movie starlet herself, Miss Elohim. She had once said that anyone with enough dedication could be the next big name in lights, and so she had opened Eden Arts to nurture those talents in young people. All you had to do was prove yourself.

The Fell family had been close friends with Miss Elohim, one of the great aunts being her costume manager during the 70s, and thanks to an owed favor, they got their oldest son Gabriel into Eden Arts despite him not having a whole lot of talent. Which is a shame, because their other son did have talent, he was just a little shy.

It was a lovely day. Absolutely gorgeous. And Aziraphale Fell- awful alliteration on his parents part, but it was an old family name- was trying to work on a school project in his kitchen when Gabriel came down from upstairs, in his glitziest purple outfit, and proceeded to kill the mood.

“Azzy, love you like family-“ He said,

“We are family?” Aziraphale commented as his brother started moving everything off their grand piano.

“Yeah, anyway, you need to leave the room.” Gabriel said, not really paying him much mind. 

“What? No. Why?” Aziraphale asked as a small clock was put in his workspace.

“You know the big yearly showcase they have at Eden Arts?”

“You mean the one you haven’t stopped talking about in over two months?”

“Bingo. Well,” Gabriel placed the precious, cherished family photos in a haphazard pile in front of, and partially on top of, Aziraphale’s workbooks. “My performance partner’s showing up and I need you to clear all your nerd junk out of here. This is an artistic space only. Besides, he's super hot and I don’t need you killing the mood.” 

“You know, my project’s just as important as your singing and man-ogling.” Aziraphale said as he leaned his head into the palm of his hand.

“Aw..” Gabriel cooed. “Who thinks he’s special?” He finished moving everything off the grand piano, only to lay on it like he was a 20s jazz singer. “How do I look?”

“..You don’t want an answer to that.” The two of them were cut off by the sound of the doorbell.

“You’ll get it.” Gabriel said. Aziraphale sighed and got up from the kitchen table and went to open up the door for the poor soul who’d be stuck working with his brother. 

The front door opened to a tall, lanky guy with dark sunglasses and the reddest hair Aziraphale had ever seen. He was dressed in all black, skinny jeans and what looked like a vest, a single silver tie of sorts dangling around his neck. He also had a guitar slung over his back. Aziraphale, poor gay little disaster that he was, didn’t know how to speak. His brother was actually right about something for once, this guy was hot.

“Hey,” The guy said, lowering his glasses slightly to reveal golden eyes that made Aziraphale a little weak in the knees. “Im Crowley. I'm assuming this is the Fell house?”

All Aziraphale could do was let out a string of incohesive gay babbles that made Crowley crack a small smile. 

“What!?” Gabriel shouted, scrambling off the piano and stomping over. “No, no, no! What are _you_ doing here, Anthony? I was supposed to be paired with Raven Sable not-“ He motioned to Crowley’s whole person. “The snake of Eden!”

“Oh Gabe, it’s never a pleasure to see you.” He chuckled. “Raven asked if he and I could swap partners, considering he’s not really a music guy.”

“You can’t just do that!”

“Look, does it matter? I’m here and unless you wanna go on alone and have your grade suffer, I’d suggest you go along with it.” Gabriel ran his hands through his hair and hissed.

“You better make me sound _great,_ Anthony J. Crowley or so help me-“ 

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll kill me. C'mon let’s get started.” Crowley said as he fixed his guitar strap.

“Give me a minute. I'm not wasting my hot outfit on you.” Gabriel said as he headed up the stairs. Crowley and Aziraphale watched him go until he was just out of sight, and Crowley laughed.

“Is that what you gotta deal with every day?” He asked Aziraphale, who broke into a silly little smile.

“Haha, yeah. He can be a handful but, ya know. Family.” Aziraphale said as the two of them went over to the piano, Crowley swaggering slightly over. “I’m Aziraphale.”

“Aziraphale Fell?” Crowley asked. “Fun name.”

“It was my grandfather’s, apparently it was based on an angel’s name,” Aziraphale said, trying not to fumble spectacularly in front of this super hot guy. “So, you go to Eden Arts too?”

“Yep. Been for a few years. What about you?” Crowley asked as he leaned onto the piano, letting his glasses slip down to reveal a positively sinful pair of golden eyes. “I don’t think I've ever seen you around.”

“Oh, no. No. Performing isn't my thing. Gabriel got all the talent, I got the brains.” Aziraphale could breathe a little easier when he saw Crowley smile at him.

“Well, then you must be a genius because Gabriel… Wow.” He shook his head.

“So, um, what did he mean by the whole ‘Snake of Eden’ thing?” Aziraphale asked.

“Oh,” Crowley said as he turned his head and pointed at just under his sideburn. There was a snake tattoo there. “My dad’s a tattoo artist, and he let me get this once I made it into Eden Arts. The name kinda came from there.”

“Wow.. That’s so cool.” Aziraphale had to resist the urge to touch it. 

“Ok!” Gabriel was all about killing the mood today, as he came down in a much less shiny outfit. “Let’s do this.”

“Wish me luck.” Crowley whispered to Aziraphale, who covered his mouth to prevent from laughing, before standing upright. “So, what song are we doing, Gabe?”  
  
“We’re doing ‘make it shine’, obviously.” Gabriel said as he placed his hands on his hips. “It has the right energy for a killer performance. Hope you can play piano, Anthony.”

“I can play anything.” Crowley said, handing his guitar to Aziraphale “Take care of her for me.” before sitting down and playing a quick tune. Aziraphale was in awe, while Gabriel just rolled his eyes.

“You just gotta keep up with me.” He said.

“Do you still need me to go?” Aziraphale asked. 

“I don’t care.” Gabriel huffed.

And so, Aziraphale sat down, holding the guitar snuggly to him, at just the right spot to watch Crowley play and avoid watching his brother dance like a bird that was missing a talon. 

——

If it wasn’t for Gabriel’s off-key singing and really bad dancing, Aziraphale could call the two hour practice a success. Crowley had hit all the notes on the piano just right, playing up a storm. Aziraphale had never been so entranced by music before. It wasn’t even because Crowley was hot- even though that did help grab his attention to start with- but just because the music was lovely. 

“Oh, that was simply wonderful.” Aziraphale said, clapping for Crowley.

“I know.” Gabriel said, thinking the praise was for him.

“Thanks.” Crowley said as he smiled at the blond. Aziraphale felt his cheeks go pink.

“Alright,” Gabriel said as he turned to look at Crowley. “Don’t be late tomorrow night. Now shoo,” He waved Crowley out. “I gotta go get my beauty sleep.”

“You’d need to be in a coma to see any progress.” Crowley said as he got up and headed to the door, Aziraphale walked with him, giving him back his guitar which he had kind of wanted to hold just a little longer. “So, I’ll be seeing you at the showcase tomorrow?”

“Yes, I'll be in the audience. Probably forced into a “Gabriel #1” shirt.” Aziraphale chuckled. “I can’t wait to see you perform.”

“I’ll be up with the band. I’ll smile down at you.” Crowley said. “See ya then, angel.” He turned and left, and thankfully he did when he did, because Aziraphale’s whole face turned bright red and he started sputtering.

“Ugh, gross.” Gabriel scoffed. “He’s such a show off. With his perfect hair and cool guy attitude.”

“He’s.. Wow.” Aziraphale said. “He called me angel.”

“I know, that’s extra gross.”

Aziraphale was too busy thinking about those pretty gold eyes to care what his brother was saying.

———

The showcase was about three hours long and featured a ton of very entertaining performances from a lot of gifted and talented kids. There was dancing, singing, comedians, magic acts, and many other kinds of talents.

Gabriel was going to be up soon, and Aziraphale took the time to look up at the band set to wait for Crowley to come on. He wanted to catch his eye and wave.

“Excuse me,” That plan would have to be changed quickly, as a woman with curly orange hair hurried through the crowded seats and whispered to the Fell family. “You’re Gabriel’s family, aren’t you?”

“Yes, why?” Aziraphale’s mother said. “Is something wrong?”

“I'm Miss Tracy, the event coordinator. Please come with me.” The woman said as Aziraphale’s parents and him got up quickly and followed her to the backstage.

Back there, Gabriel was sobbing in his fancy outfit, tongue and face swollen beyond belief, making unintelligible noises with the others back there surrounding him and a doctor.

“Oh, christ!” Their father said. “What happened to him?”

“I’m not sure, his face just started swelling up and then his tongue!” Miss Tracy said.

“It seems to be an allergic reaction.” The doctor said.

“Awergic Weacion?!” Gabriel sputtered.

“Has he drank or ate anything new in the last 24 hours?” Aziraphale’s eyes went wide. 

“The tea!” He exclaimed. Gabriel pointed as if to agree with his brother.

“What tea?” His mother asked him.

“It was this special throat tea Gabriel found online.” Aziraphale said. “It was supposed to help really soothe your throat. It had ginger in it!”

“That must be it.” The doctor said. “There’s no way he can perform like this.”

“Wat!” Gabriel exclaimed, jumping up and grabbing the doctor by the jacket. “Wady! I nweed two gwo on!” 

“What's going on back here?” The familiar voice of Anthony J. Crowley called out as he walked back there. Gabriel turned quickly to face him, and Crowley yelped in fear and surprise. “Oh, fuck what happened to you?”

“Gwingew!” Gabriel said as he fell back into his chair, distraught.

“What are we gonna do?” Miss Tracy muttered, slightly panicking.

Crowley looked between the sobbing Gabriel and Miss Tracy before his eyes landed on Aziraphale, and an idea struck him.

“He can perform in Gabe’s place.” Crowley said, and all eyes turned to Aziraphale.

“What?” He squeaked. “I most definitely can’t! I don’t even sing or dance!”

“Yweah, he suckws.” Gabriel said, only getting a glare from his brother.

“Absolutely not.” Aziraphale shook his head.

“You were there for the whole rehearsal. You know the song and the choreography. You can do this.” Crowley took him by the hand. Aziraphale gulped.

“...Oh, alright.” He said. Crowley smiled.

“Great, let’s get you ready.”

He quickly pulled Aziraphale to the makeup pit, and sat him in a chair. 

“Dagon, Eric!” Crowley said. “Gonna need an outfit and makeup done for the next act, now!”

“The hell is going on, Crowley?” A girl with frizzy tied back ginger hair and an obscene amount of glitter on her face asked as a shorter boy with black eyeliner and high-statement hair that looked a lot like bunny ears rushed over with his makeup palette.

“Gabriel’s face blew up like a balloon. His brother’s taking his place.” He said. “Work your magic.”

Dagon took a long, hard look at the nervous bowl of sunshine that sat before her and snapped her fingers.

“Got just the outfit.” She said as she rushed to pull over the costume rack, pulling out a baby blue, tastefully bedazzled outfit with a little bit of frill along its sleeves and pant legs. It honestly looked like an 80’s wet dream. “Eric, you’re up.”

“On it.” Eric said as he beat the living hell out of his makeup brush and began to apply a ton of product to Aziraphale’s face. It was like a sandstorm attacked him. But, he came out of it looking really good.

“Wow..” Aziraphale said as he looked at himself in the mirror.

“You look great.” Crowley said.

“Oi!” A guy with a headset yelled. “Crowley, they need you with the band!”

“I’m going, Ligur!” Crowley yelled back as he turned to Aziraphale. “You got this. And I'll be right up there with you. Break a leg!” He yelled before running off.

“I hope you’re right, dear boy..” Aziraphale muttered as he put his clenched hands to his heart and smiled softly. 

“Fell! You’re on!” Miss Tracy said as she motioned for Aziraphale to get on the stage. 

Aziraphale nearly ran onto the stage, and when he was standing up there in front of everyone in the audience, their eyes all glued to him, he felt time stop. His breathing sped up slightly. Oh dear god, this was a bad idea. This was a very bad idea.

His trance broke when he heard the familiar tune of the song start up. He looked up at the band wing, and made eye contact with Crowley who smiled at him. Aziraphale took a deep breath, this was it.

“ _Here I am, once again_ ” He started to sing, the spotlight burning above him. “ _Feeling lost but now and then.. I breathe it in, to let it go..”_

The drums went bum, bum, dum-

“ _And you don't know where you are now”_ Aziraphale started the dance routine, having significantly more grace than Gabriel. “ _What it would come to if only somebody could hear. When you figure out how, you’re lost in the moment! You disappeaaaar!!”_

That’s when the performance went into full fucking swing.

Aziraphale definitely knew the routine, and the song, hitting it off without missing a beat. And the crowd was eating that shit _up_ , clapping and dancing along to the song. People behind the stage were also into it, even Gabriel who was slightly impressed by his baby brother.

When Aziraphale ended his performance, the cheering was wild. People were even asking for an encore, something that they definitely wouldn’t have wanted had it been Gabriel. But, Aziraphale needed a breather, so he went to the back stage.

Crowley ran down from the rafters and over to Aziraphale, who was being crowded by people all congratulating him, and smiled so wide when he saw him. 

“You were incredible!” Crowley said, hugging him and spinning him around. “Absolutely fucking brilliant!”

“That was quite the show.” A smooth, feminine voice said as the group turned their heads. An older woman with perfectly placed white hair and the most elegant cream-colored pant suit Aziraphale had ever seen walked up to him. “Good to see you, Aziraphale. It’s been awhile, look how tall you’ve gotten.”

“Miss Elohim, h-hello.” Aziraphale said, gulping. Crowley looked between his principal and Aziraphale.

“You know her?” He whispered.

“She’s a family-friend.”

“You know,” She said, “I always thought you had a performer's spark in you, but _that_? That was simply stunning. Have you considered transferring?”

“To Eden Arts?” He asked. “Miss Elohim-“

“Your talents could be nurtured in a way they can’t be at any normal school. What do you say?” She extended her hand.

Aziraphale looked between her, his family, the crowd, and Crowley. The thoughts raced through his mind. 

Could he actually do this? 

Maybe, just maybe, he was meant for this performing thing.

“I’ll do it.” He said as he took her hand and shook it. People cheered. Crowley looked so excited.

“Wonderful. Now why don’t you go give the crowd what they want?” Miss Elohim chuckled.

And that’s when the encore started. And Aziraphale’s new life began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is gonna be a train wreck.
> 
> Tell me what y’all thought! I hope you enjoyed this mess!


	2. First Day Jitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale starts his first day at Eden Arts and things immediately hit the fan.

The first day at any new school was terrifying. It was especially terrifying for Aziraphale, who was now attending Eden Arts, school for the performing arts. 

After the rush of adrenaline that was the big showcase, Aziraphale realized what he had signed up for. He was going to be surrounded by hundreds of incredibly talented, well-trained, artistic kids. And, well, poor Aziraphale still wasn’t exactly sure if his big performance had been beginners luck or not.

He pushed through the door of the school and his eyes were overwhelmed. Every inch of the place was decorated like a modern art piece- very fitting, really- with many different styled lockers and wild colors and a huge logo at the base of a flight of stairs that read _ ‘Eden Arts’  _ in huge graffiti-style bubble letters.

“Woah..” Aziraphale, whose face was half obscured by his stack of books, awed. “It’s like a set out of a movie.”

“It’s been a set in a few.” Gabriel said as he walked in after him, the only thing in his hands were an iced grande choco-chip mochachino and his cellphone. “Don’t act too star-strucked, people with talent hate th- Move!” He quickly shoved his brother out of the way as to not be seen with him when he waved after the more popular kids. “Hey guys, wait up!” And like that, he ran off.

Aziraphale groaned as he slowly sat up from where he landed on the ground, his vision swirling with images of birds and snakes and stars and-

“Hey, Blondie?” ...girls?

Aziraphale shook his head until his sight settled, revealing not five but only one brown-skinned girl with dark wavy hair and a pair of circle-frame glasses standing in front of him. She extended her hand for him.

“You ok, man? That was a hard fall and all of those books look like they weigh a ton.” He took it and she helped heave him back up.

“I’m alright, thank you. Just had a little tumble.” He chuckled awkwardly.

“You new here?” She asked as she started helping him pick up his books. 

“I am, actually. I’m Aziraphale Fell-“

“Oh!” She snapped her fingers. “I’ve heard about you!” Those words made a lump form in Aziraphale’s throat.

“Y-You have?” He asked.

“Everyone’s talking about your performance.” That just made the lump get tighter. “Besides, Crowley won’t shut up about you. In a good way, I mean.”

“You know Crowley?” Aziraphale blinked, his cheeks turning a shade pinker.

“He’s my best friend. By the way, he keeps calling you an angel. And he likes your curly hair.” He smiled softly and fiddled with his hair a bit, tucking a loose curl back behind his ear. “I’m Anathema, Anathema Device. Friends call me Ana.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Anathema.” Aziraphale said. “So, what's your talent?”

“I play a mean bass.” She said. “Me and Crowley are in a band together with our friend Grim, actually. We’re called the Midnight Vipers. We’re kinda a mix of post-neo punk and indie grunge.” Aziraphale didn’t want to admit he had _ no idea in the slightest  _ as to what kinda music that was.

“Ah. Bebop.” He said, before feeling like a fucking idiot. Luckily, Anathema laughed.

“I like you, you’re funny.” She chuckled. “Are you already signed up for The Slap?”

“I’m sorry, the what?” He asked.

“The Slap. It’s a special social media platform just for students here. The juniors and seniors run it.” Anathema said.

“Oh.. No, not yet.” He said.

“Well, when you do, let me know so I can follow you. What class do you got first period?”

“Oh!” Aziraphale pulled a folded out schedule from his pocket. “Miss.. Nutter? For Acting Basics 101? Interesting name.”

“An even more interesting person.” Anathema said. “That’s my grandma.”

“No way.”

“Yes way! My family’s from Puerto Rico, but I live with her. She’s been teaching here since the school opened. She used to be a stunt woman and a method actress back in the day.” The bell rang at that moment. “C’mon, I have her first period too. Be warned though, she can be a little.. eccentric.”

———

Walking into Miss Nutter’s classroom Aziraphale noticed the first big difference from a normal class. It was just a bunch of chairs surrounding a stage and people seemed to just sit wherever they pleased. Anathema took a seat by the front and Aziraphale followed her, only to stop and look around a bit at all the classic movie memorabilia on the walls. 

While he was busy absorbing his surroundings, he pumped right into the person behind him, spilling all of their coffee on their shirt. What was worse, is that it was Crowley. Anathema had to hold back a laugh.

“Oh! Dear lord,” Aziraphale gasped quietly as he panicked. “Crowley, dear boy i’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine angel, really.” He said, trying to smooth it over.

“Here, let me-“ Aziraphale rummaged through his backpack, pulling out a wad of napkins he kept on hand for emergencies and started to dab and rub the coffee stain on Crowley’s shirt.

“Angel- Aziraphale, it’s fine-“ Crowley said as he watched, not really sure how to stop the fussy blond boy. “It’s just spreading-“

“Oh dear..” Aziraphale muttered as he slowly looked up from the stain to meet Crowley’s gaze. Crowley couldn’t help but smile slightly even though now his shirt was probably gonna stain. And in return, Aziraphale smiled softly.

“Hey!” Then, the moment was cut short by a somewhat-annoyed voice. The two turned and in the doorway was a short little bitch with messy, messy black hair, blue eyes, and acne scars all over their face. “Dude, why are you rubbing my brother?”

“I- uh- His coffee-“ That’s when Aziraphale started to fumble. 

“Get off him.” The shorter yet intimidating figure shooed for Aziraphale to move, which he did quickly.

“Beelz, not now.” Crowley said through gritted teeth. 

“Honey Bee,” Anathema sighed as they walked over to her side, sitting next to her, wrapping their arms loosely around her neck, and giving her a hello kiss. “You ruined his moment with his angel.” Anathema could feel the glare from her best friend, which she returned with a mildly crude gesture that meant nothing more than acknowledgement.

“ _ That’s  _ the angel he won’t shut up about?” Beelz asked. Aziraphale nearly went completely stiff when they looked back over at him. “Looks like a cherub to me.”

“Aziraphale, this is my darling bitch of a sibling, Beelzebub.” Crowley said as he motioned between them and him. “Beelz, this is Aziraphale Fell. He’s new, be nice.”

“Fell? Are you Gabriel’s brother?” Their face pinched into a kind of light disgust. The same kind of look you’d give food that had way too much parsley on it but you couldn’t remove because they had chopped it way too fine. “Gross.”

“He’s the one everyones been talking about, from the showcase.” Anathema said. “Apparently Gabriel had a bad reaction to some tea or somethin’ and Aziraphale here stepped up and saved the day.”

“His head was swollen like a balloon.” Crowley said, motioning with his hands just how ginormous it was.

“I’d pay good money to see that twat in any kind of pain.” Beelzebub cracked a kind of wicked smile that made Aziraphale kind of question how exactly they and Crowley were related.

The second bell rang as everyone found a seat, Aziraphale ended up right next to Crowley since Beelzebub stuck their claim on the seat right beside Anathema’s. That’s when Agnes Nutter walked in- or rather, climbed in, the window.

“Good morning, class!” She said as she pulled her bag through the window as well, only to toss it like a bowling ball off stage. Aziraphale kind of did a double take, looking between the teacher’s odd method of entry and the class who acted as though it wasn’t the weirdest thing they had ever seen. Because clearly, her attire had to be. She was dressed like the 60s hippie movement had never gone out of style. “Sorry I’m late, crazy thing happened, you see I was eating a sandwich outside on the curb when a coyote started staring me down-“ She caught sight of Aziraphale, who just looked absolutely bewildered. “Ah, yes, nearly forgot. Class, we have a new student with us here today. Give a warm, Eden Arts welcome to-“ She pointed to Aziraphale who everyone turned to look at.

“A-Aziraphale.” He waved slightly, getting a few claps but an otherwise lukewarm welcome. The only two who gave him a smile were Crowley and Anathema.

“Alright,” Agnes said as she pulled out the whiteboard marker and started writing. “Today, were going to be continuing our lesson on group improv. Aziraphale, i'm sure you’re familiar with improv?”

“No.” He shook his head, almost  _ feeling _ the judgement from people around him.

“Improv, to put it simply, is acting without a script.” Agnes said as she turned back to face the class. “The actors must react to their changing surroundings and scenarios. Capiche?” 

“..Yes.”

“Wonderful. Now for the first group of the day, Beelzebub will lead.” Beelzebub stood from their seat and walked onto the stage. “Pick your actors.”

“Hmm..” They tapped their chin thoughtfully. “Carmine,” They proceeded to point out each member who would walk up onto the stage afterwards. “Uriel, Crowley..” Their eyes flashed with mischief. “And Aziraphale.” 

Aziraphale gulped. Something in his gut told him this wasn’t going to be fun.

“Alright, now let's give them a place.” A really tall boy with blond hair and dark eyes and a frog puppet raised his unoccupied hand. “Hastur?”

“Home!” He said.

“Home it is.”

“Very,” A croak came from the puppets mouth. “Original.”

“Quiet.” Hastur hushed it.

“And now, a situation?” Up went a girl with very curly brown hair and killer gold highlighter. “Michael?”

“Big news.” She said. 

“Michael, no one wants to see big nudes.” Agnes said, only to get an awkward look from her students.

“..News.” She repeated.

“Ah, big news! Now that’s different.” She wrote on the board.

“Aziraphale, why don’t you go out into the hall?” Beelzebub said, to which Aziraphale nodded slightly.

“Ok..?” He said. 

Crowley was watching every move their sibling made because they knew for a fact they were up to something.

“And action!” Agnes called out as she went to the other side of the classroom. Uriel and Carmine sat down on the ground and Crowley pretended to knock on an invisible door, which Beelzebub opened.

“Welcome home, big brother! Good to see the snow storm didn’t slow you down.” Beelzebub said, a fake smile on their face.

“Bro!” Carmine and Uriel said, as they got off the ground.

“Yeah, the weather was crazy but I made it in time.” He said, doing a high-five with Carmine and Uriel a quick back-pat hug.

“And I heard all about your big news- congratulations!” Beelzebub said as she clasped her hands around Crowley’s. “I’m so happy for you, getting married.”

“Marr-? Yeah, I’m super excited too.” Crowley nodded, trying to have a sibling mind-meld moment as if to ask Beelz what they were playing at. “Too bad my spouse couldn’t make it.”

“Oh? And who’s that at the backdoor?” Beelzebub said as she let him go, heading to the door Aziraphale stood behind. When the door knob clicked, it came together in Crowley’s mind and he knew he was going to die. “Why, it’s your stunning fiancé!”

“Fiancé?” Aziraphale whispered under his breath as Beelzebub led him onto the stage. “Oh, um, right. Yes. Hello, dear.”

“Ugh.” Beelzebub groaned, crossing their arms. “Nutter, would you please tell Aziraphale that you have to have confidence when you’re doing improv?” Their words were drowned out slightly by the sound of slurping, which was coming from Agnes in the back drinking coconut milk straight from the coconut. “Nutter!”

“Hm?” She said, putting down the coconut and wiping her mouth. “I’m sorry what?”

“Confidence in acting.”

“Ah, yes. Beelzebub has a point, Aziraphale. You really need to make the audience  _ believe _ that you and Crowley are in love and getting married.”

“Exactly.” Beelzebub smirked. Oh god.

“I.. I can do that.” Aziraphale nodded.

“And action!” Agnes called out.

“Why, it’s your stunning fiancé!” Beelzebub repeated.

“Hello, m-my dear. So glad I could make it.” Aziraphale said, taking Crowley’s hands in his. Crowley nearly babbled out a slew of gay garble that would’ve definitely broken character. So much for his cool guy exterior.

“G-Glad you could make it too, love.” Crowley said. Both of them started blushing like  _ idiots _ . It was almost too convincing.

“Why don’t you give him a kiss, big brother? After all, you weren’t expecting to see him so soon.” Crowley shot Beelzebub a glare, to which they only smirked.

“I-I..” He said, looking back down at Aziraphale, who looked like he could explode right then and there. Crowley leaned in slowly, and Aziraphale felt his heart pounding in his ears, his world going fuzzy.

“W-Wait!” He yelped, letting Crowley’s hands go and stepping back. “I-I.. I can’t do this.” And like that, he ran off.

“Aziraphale, wait!” Crowley shouted as he ran after him. 

“Oh, jesus  _ christ _ .” Beelzebub muttered. “Didn’t expect that.” 

“Beelz, I love you but what the fuck.” Anathema said as she rubbed her temples.

———

Aziraphale ran straight to the empty main stairway and buried his face in his hands, letting out a deep sigh. He pulled his phone out right as Crowley ran up to him.

“Aziraphale- What’re you doing?” Crowley asked.

“Calling my mom, so she can get me back into my old school.” 

“What? No.” Crowley took his phone from his grasp as he started to call.

“Give me back my mom!” Aziraphale said in exasperation.

“You’re really changing schools because of one mean person?” He really hoped it wasn’t because of the fact they nearly kissed.

“It’s not just that. I don’t fit in here!” He said. “Regular schools aren’t like this. There’s no hippie teachers and performers in the halls and kids with frog puppets and mean goth kids who try to embarrass you in front of the class. I’m just normal.”

“This school is just like any other school.” Crowley said.

They turned their heads to the footsteps of Hastur, running up with his puppet in hand.

“Hey-” Hastur said.

“Nutter said she wants you both back in class.” His puppet finished for him.

“Ribby, I was gonna tell them that!” Hastur glared at his frog puppet. 

“You shoulda been,” He croaked “faster.”

“Really?” Aziraphale asked Crowley. “That’s normal?”

“It could be.” Crowley said. Then, the redhead from earlier, Carmine, also ran up.

“Guys, Nutter really wants you guys back now.” She said.

“And you wanted a girlfriend, and?” Ribby asked sarcastically. Carmine glared at Hastur.

“I’ll burn your puppet if it doesn’t shut up, La Vista.” She threatened.

“He’s not a puppet!” Hastur argued.

“Ok, I see your point.” Crowley said before he turned back to the others. “Tell Nutter we’ll be back in a minute.”

“Better hurry.” Carmine sighed as she and Hastur went back.

“So this school isn’t normal. Neither are you.” Crowley said as he took Aziraphale’s hand. “I’ve seen what you can do on stage. You’re special. You’re incredible.” He handed him back his phone. “You belong here.” And like that, he went back to the class.

Aziraphale took a deep breath and looked around. All of this was  _ so _ much. But..

———

Aziraphale sat in his living room on the couch, rewatching his performance on The Slap. That’s when Gabriel walked up and sat beside him.

“You know,” He said. “You actually aren’t awful.”

“Gee, thanks Gabe.” Aziraphale rolled his eyes lazily and looked over at him.

“You’re really gonna quit Eden Arts?” He asked.

“What do you think I should do?” 

“I think you should come back.” Aziraphale gave him a confused look.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t wanna be known at school as the dude with the lame little brother who quit on his first day.” He shoves Aziraphale’s shoulder slightly as he stood up. “...And, I think you did really good at the big showcase.” Aziraphale smiled softly.

“Thanks, Gabe.” He said.

“But  _ I  _ would’ve been amazing!” He said in a sing-song voice as he went upstairs. Aziraphale sighed softly, but his smile stayed on his face before turning back to his performance and closing the laptop. 

Another day, another try.

———

**_@AZFell:_ **

**“Aziraphale** is feeling… conflicted.”

Mood: Lost

———

Aziraphale walked to Agnes’s class and all eyes turned to him.

“Aziraphale, you’re back.” She said warmly. “Have you ever thought about coming in through the window?”

“...No.” He shook his head.

“Think about it. Now sit, sit.” Aziraphale took his spot next to Crowley, who smiled softly at the sight of him. “Now today we’re going to be doing alphabetical improv. What is alphabetical improv you may ask? Well, I’ll answer. It’s when you give a letter to an actor on stage and that’s the first letter of the word they must start with. If they start with the letter A for example, one might say..” She pointed to Anathema.

“Apples are falling out of my butt.” She said. Agnes only nodded.

“Very mature, Ana.” She said. “And so the next actor would start with the letter B and that might go something like..” She pointed to a kid with white frizzy hair and matching white clothes. “Chalky?”

“Bring those apples so we all may enjoy the fresh fruit from Ana’s butt.” They said.

“Charming. Now who wants to lead today’s first exercise?” Agnes asked as she looked at the group. And to everyone’s surprise, Aziraphale raised his hand. “Alright Aziraphale, come up and pick your actors.”

“Alright.” Aziraphale stood up and walked onto the stage. “Anathema.. Hastur.. and Crowley.”

“Fantastic. Now let’s start with the letter A.” Agnes said. “Action! Ooh. Funny coincidence there.” She chuckled to herself.

“Alright crew, were 5,000 miles below sea level and we’re going to die if we don’t think of something fast.” Aziraphale announced.

“Bastard squid, pulling us down like that!” Crowley hissed. Agnes would have to give him points for using a swear creatively.

“Call for help!” Anathema yelled.

“Don’t even try, the powers cut!” Aziraphale said.

“Everyone stay calm!” Hastur said.

“For the love of God man, were drowning!” Crowley shouted

“Get all the water out!” Hastur said in a panic.

“Hurry up, we don’t have much time!” Anathema said.

“I have something to tell you, private.” Aziraphale said, as he got much closer to Crowley.

“Just spit it out, captain.” Crowley asked.

“..Kiss me, before we die.” Aziraphale said as he took Crowley’s hands. His eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“Let’s do it.” 

And the two kissed, ooh’s from the audience barely audible in their ears.

When Aziraphale pulled away he had the biggest grin on his face.

“Man, I love this school.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was the whole pilot. I won’t only follow episodes beat for beat, theres gonna be pulling from episodes here and there but I have Ideas™️ now. Buckle up y’all.


	3. Operation: Two Birds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale decides to play cupid.

Eden Arts, since it was a performing arts school, naturally had a place for people to, ya know, perform. That took place in the Black Box Theater, where Aziraphale was in the middle of his first sound tech class. And, to put it very frankly, he was not good at the exercise at hand. Which was just learning how to roll a speaker wire the correct way. He looked like he was being eaten alive by a plastic snake.

“Oh, good lord-“ He struggled against the cord.

“You need some help, Aziraphale?” A boy with square glasses and kinda squirrely hair asked.

“Yes please, Newt.” He sighed. “I think I’m stuck.”

“It’s ok, this kinda happens for newbies.” He said as he started to untangle Aziraphale. He stepped out of his technological prison and Newt started to roll it up the right way.

“I’m not sure how you do it. All of this technology stuff is rather confusing.” Aziraphale chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You get used to it, it’s just like a dance routine. Except with more buttons.” He said, only to hear shouting and an engine whirring.

“Newt!” Ligur cried out. “Did you fuck with the smoke machine or something? It’s on the fritz again!”

“I swear I only polished it!” Newt yelled as he and Aziraphale ran over to where Ligur and Sandalphon were trying to make a sparking smoke machine stop sounding like it was about to explode.

“It’s way overheated!” Sandalphon coughed as it started leaking dark smoke- much different and much more dangerous than the usual kind- all out of its engine.

“Did you try cutting the power?” Newt asked as he reached through the cloud, around the back of the machine and hit the off switch. The noise quickly died. “That was a close-“

The now quiet moment was interrupted by the slam of the entrance doors as the next class of the day entered the room.

“Alright tech nerds, time to move out!” Dagon said as she heaved in a very large aquamarine suitcase behind her. “The cosmetics class has this room for the next hour and a half!”

“Dags, you know how much I hate being called a nerd.” Ligur sighed as he walked over to the ginger, his arms crossed.

“Well, Ligur, choose a less nerdy field of study and maybe I won’t call you a nerd,” Dagon said as she flicked his nose. “You guys are done in here right?”

“Just have to move this smoke machine back and we should be,” Ligur said, turning to look at Newt and Aziraphale. “Hey, can you two handle that?”

“Yeah, sure!” Aziraphale said. When he turned to look at Newt though, something about him was off. He looked spaced out, with a, dare he say, goofy-looking smile plastered on his face. “Newt?” Then he looked in the direction of what he was staring at. Or, rather, who he was staring at. 

That who happened to be Eric Legion, the junior that Aziraphale remembered assaulted his face with blush at the big showcase. He wore dark, excessive, statement-making eyeliner, black ripped jeans, a turtleneck in a matching shade, had a gold piercing on his left eyebrow, and had his hair pinched up into the shape of two cones, which just made him look like a goth rabbit. Really was trying to say ‘art school student’, wasn’t he?

“Newton!” Aziraphale said as he elbowed Newt lightly, snapping him back to reality. “We need to move the smoke machine.”

“Oh, right, sorry Az.” Newt said as the two of them each took an end of the smoke machine and heaved it up.

“So,” Aziraphale said as they headed toward the storeroom. “What was that all about?”

“What was what all about?” Newt asked as he tried not to drop the machine.

“You, staring at Eric. What was that?” He asked. “Do you like him?”

“What? No.” Newt fiddled with the doorknob. “Well- I don't  _ not  _ like him. He’s cool. He’s really cool. So nice-“

“Mhm, very convincing Newton.” Aziraphale said as he noticed Eric walking over. “Oh, hello Eric.” That made Newt’s head swivel around so quickly. 

“Hey Aziraphale,” Eric smiled as he turned to look at the boy who was nervously sweating. “Hi Newt.”

“H-Hey Eric.” Newt stammered, nearly dropping his end of the smoke machine because of panic-induced butter fingers. “What’s up? Did you- uh- finish that assignment for Tracy’s class?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah I did.” Eric said. “If you need you can look at it later if you want?”

“Yeah- I-I’d appreciate i-“ Newt’s damn hands didn’t wanna agree with him, and he ended up dropping and barely catching the machine’s end, but it hit right where the engine was, causing leftover smoke to pop out all over his face, making the poor dork start coughing.

“You alright?” Eric asked, the faintest grin on his lips.

“Just-“ Newt coughed. “Fine. No worries.”

“Eric!” Dagon shouted over to him. “C’mon, we need to set up!” 

“Coming, Dags!” Eric turned to respond, before looking back to Newt and Aziraphale, waving and flashing another smile. “Catch you later, Newt. Bye Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale only looked between the leaving Eric and the frazzled Newt. He was going to need a third party informant.

———

Aziraphale and Anathema were sitting at his house, Anathema fiddling with her bass on the couch while Aziraphale tapped away on his laptop.

“Ok, how’s this sound?” Anathema said as she began to strum a few notes. Aziraphale nodded along.

“Like a bass.” He said.

“Good.” Anathema said.

“What’re you doing, anyway?” Aziraphale asked.

“I’m trying to write a song for Beelz.” She said. 

“What do you see in them, anyway?” He asked. “No offense, Ana, but they’re sort of..”

“Mean?”

“Yeah. I saw them make Sandalphon cry because he looked at them.”

“Ya know, under all that tough-bitch exterior, Beelz is actually really sweet.” Anathema said as she strummed. “Don’t let them know that you know that though, they may break your arm.”

“Noted.” Aziraphale nodded, not doubting it in the slightest. “Hey, you know Newton Pulsifer right?”

“Yeah, course.” She said. “He kinda reminds me of a squirrel.” Aziraphale opened his mouth to dispute it, but closed it just as fast, because she was right. “Why?”

“What's the story with him and Eric Legion?” He asked. Anathema groaned, rolling her eyes up.

“I wish there was one!” She said. “Those two have been skirting around each other since freshman year. When it’s so  _ painfully _ obvious they like each other.”

“I knew it!” Aziraphale started explaining what had happened earlier that day, and Anathema just nodded in agreement.

“Sounds like them.” She said.

“Do you think we should do something about it?” He asked.

“Like what? If we even mention the other to one of them they just start denying their feelings. Only way we’d be able to get them on a date is if they didn’t know who they were going out with.” That’s when the lightbulb went off in Aziraphale’s mind.

“Ana, dear girl, you are a genius!” He exclaimed.

“I know, but why specifically?”

“We can set them up on a blind date. Maybe at that new sushi place, Sashi-Me’s. You and I can go undercover.” Anathema shot him a look.

“You want an excuse to go get sushi, don’t you?” She knew his weaknesses.

“It’s two birds with one stone.” He said.

And so, ‘Operation: Love is Blind’ was in action.

———

**_@AZFell_ **

“I think love is in the air at Eden Arts!”

Mood: Scheming

———

Aziraphale walked by Eric’s locker, quickly shoving a sealed pink letter into the door. As the bell for the end of class rang, he quickly rushed over to Anathema’s locker, where she had just hurried over to.

“Did you get it in?” He asked her.

“Just barely. But he didn’t see me.” She said. 

The two of them turned to watch Eric open his locker and the letter flutter out. He picked it up and opened it, reading over it. He looked excited, that was a good sign. Then, he turned to show it to Dagon who was standing with him. She read it over, and she didn’t look quite as excited for him. They exchanged some inaudible words before Eric went off, still looking thrilled. That’s when Dagon turned and headed in Aziraphale and Anathema’s direction, looking pissed. Shit.

“What are you two playing at?” She demanded.

“How did you know it was us?” Aziraphale asked.

“I know Ana’s handwriting. Beelz has all her song lyrics posted up in their room.” She said. Aw, that was actually kinda sweet of them. “Is this some sort of prank because I don’t think-“

“Dagon, we're trying to get Eric and Newt together.” He admitted. “You’re with Eric all the time, you’ve got to admit he likes him.”

“Ugh,” She rubbed her forehead “Yeah, like a lovesick puppy. But what’s the note gotta do with it?”

“We’re trying to set them up on a blind date at Sashi-Me’s.” Anathema said. “Don’t tell Eric you know it was us, please.”

“Fine.” Dagon sighed. “But, I want in on this.”

“You do?” Anathema asked.

“Duh, I care about his happiness.” She said. “Eric and I’ve known eachother since we were kids. He deserves this. But so help me if this goes wrong and he ends up hurt I  _ will  _ kill you both.”

“Expect nothing less, Dagon.” Anathema said. “The ‘Operation: Love is Blind’ goes into full affect tomorrow night.”

“Operation what?” Dagon asked. “Wow, you two need a better name guy.”

“Like you could do better.”

“‘Operation: Plenty of Fish in the Sea’ sounds better to me.”

“We can worry about the names later.” Aziraphale said. “Just be at Sashi-Me’s by 8 pm tomorrow. Wear a disguise.”

“On it.”

———

Newt Pulsifer walked into the new sushi joint and looked around. His mystery date was supposed to have a pink rose on their person. He hoped he had dressed nice enough, with his signaling matching rose. No one really showed much interest in him, so this had really caught him by surprise. He looked around at the room, only to spot a pink rose. But, he didn’t expect it to be attached to Eric Legion. 

He contemplated if he could turn and run, but he felt like melting in the spot he stood. So, his body almost acted on its own as it took him to sit across from Eric.

“Newt?” Eric asked, his cheeks flushing. He gave the dork a twice-over glance. “W-Wow, you look really great.”

“Y-You think? I-I wasn’t sure if I had overdone it.” Newt chuckled awkwardly.

“No, you look fantastic.”

About six tables away from them sat Aziraphale, Anathema, and Dagon. All of which were dressed in really bad disguises they had picked up at a thrift shop on the way there. Dagon’s hair was up in the largest bun possible while she had fish-themed glasses and a fisherman’s outfit on. Anathema looked like she had been fired from her career as a librarian and became a hit-woman. Aziraphale, well, he was dressed like a small Swiss-country boy who had just learned who the Backstreet Boys were. No other explanation there. 

“Things look good so far.” Dagon whispered as she watched the two dorks chatting together.

“I can’t hear them..” Aziraphale whispered, his mouth half full of sushi.

“Let’s try to get closer.” Anathema suggested. 

The three quickly changed tables to two closer than before. Aziraphale brought his plate with him. While they did that, Newt and Eric were having a grand little date.

“You know, I was surprised when I found out it was you.” Eric admitted. “I didn’t realize you liked me like that.”

“I’ve liked you for a really long time..” Newt smiled softly.

Still nothing ten minutes later, so they moved closer. Aziraphale had gotten another two plates.

“Wait, what do you mean found out?” Newt asked, blinking in realization. “Didn’t you send me the letter?”

“What?” Eric asked. “No, you sent  _ me  _ a letter.”

“I didn’t, I swear!” Newt said. “Not that- I didn’t want to go out with you- because I do.”

“If you didn’t send it, and I didn’t send it- then..” 

The two of them’s attention were turned to the sound of three idiots falling over into a booth rather loudly, and the crash of a stack of sushi plates.

“Anathema? Aziraphale?” Newt asked.

“Dags?” Eric asked. “What are you- first of all, wearing- second of all, doing here?”

“We can explain, in a very reasonable way, why we're here and why were dressed like Party City threw up on us.” Aziraphale said while standing back up.

“Can you?” Newt said, not really sure they could.

“...Oh for satan’s sake,” Dagon groaned. “These two set you both up on a date because you couldn’t bring yourselves to do it first. I came along to make sure Eric didn’t get hurt.”

“Aw, Dags..” Eric smiled at their friend.

“So- you both wrote the letters?” Newt said as he motioned between Aziraphale and Anathema, who nodded. “But..” He turned to Eric. “You  _ do  _ like me, right?”

“Of course I do! You’re smart and cute and have a knack for setting computers on fire. It’s very charming, Newt.” Eric took his hand in his. “Why don’t you and I move this to a less weird spot? Just the two of us?”

“I’d like that.” Newt blushed. They paid and left quickly, holding hands the whole time.

“All’s well that ends well, I suppose.” Aziraphale said.

“Not quite..” Anathema motioned to the smashed fine china still sitting on the ground. “We’re gonna have to pay for that.”

“We could also run before the workers catch us?” Dagon suggested.

“I like that plan.” Anathema nodded.

“Sounds good, lets go.”

And just as quickly as the love birds left, they fucking ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three idiots in a scheme what relationships will they begin
> 
> Leave some love and comments down below!
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr @BeezandBitches
> 
> Have a lovely day!


	4. Gabriel’s Birthweek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a present comes from the heart.

It was a normal day at Eden Arts- well, for everyone except Aziraphale, who was sitting on the main stairway on his laptop searching for something and looking completely and utterly frustrated when he couldn’t find it.

“No,” He sighed, clicking. “no, no.. hey! No!”

That’s when Hastur, his puppet Ribby, and Uriel walked down the connecting stairs and up to him.

“Hey Az.” Hastur said.

“Hey. No..” Aziraphale muttered under his breath. His friends gave him a strange look.

“Something wrong?” Uriel asked as she sat beside him on the steps.

“This all sucks..” He groaned, furiously tapping his laptop.

“So does your sour,” Ribby croaked “Attitude.” 

“Alright, that’s a time-out.” Hastur said as he unzipped his backpack, shoving Ribby inside.

“No!” He croaked again. “Don’t do this! Im serious, Hastur!” And yet, Hastur zipped the bag up as he sat next to Uriel.

“What’s goin’ on?” Crowley asked as he walked over to them. “Why’s Aziraphale look like someone stole his favorite bowtie?”

“Don’t know.” Uriel shrugged.

“Oh!” Aziraphale said. “What about a massage helmet? A stylish headpiece that relieves migraines.”

The response to it was lukewarm, with mutterings of “yeah, sounds.. cool” and “Ya know I like helmets..”

“It’s awful..” Aziraphale sighed as he closed his laptop.

“Hate helmets.”

“Definitely a bad choice.”

“What’s all the fuss over a helmet?” Crowley asked.

“It’s not the helmet,” Aziraphale said. “I’m trying to find a great present for Gabriel’s birthweek.”

“His.. birthweek?” Hastur asked.

“You mean birth _ day _ ?” Uriel asked.

“Oh no, I mean birthweek.” Aziraphale said. “Gabriel doesn’t think there’s enough time to cram all the celebration into one day so since he was five it’s been his birthweek. And it’s in like, three days, and I don’t have a gift yet. And if it sucks, he’ll complain for six months.”

“Well, cmon now angel, let's think this out.” Crowley said as he leaned up on the rail beside Aziraphale.

“The perfect birthweek present for Gabriel.” Uriel said.

“Something.. he’d like.” Hastur said.

“Just get the massage helmet!” Ribby’s muffled croak came from the bag, to which Hastur shushed him.

———

At lunch that day, Aziraphale sat at a table in the outside sitting area with Crowley, Hastur, Ligur, Uriel, Beelzebub, Anathema, and Carmine. It was amazing how many people could fit on those sucky school tables.

“Ok,” Aziraphale said as he typed out a document on his laptop. “Present ideas for Gabriel’s birthweek. Crowley, dear, you want to start us off?”

“Cheese.” Crowley suggested like it was the best idea in the universe. It just got him awkward stares. “No cheese then.”

“No.. Hastur, Ligur?” Aziraphale looked to Hastur who was loosely enveloped in a hug by his boyfriend Ligur who was laying his head on his shoulder.

“Lotions. Or various types of lotions.” He suggested.

“Aloe Vera also works.” Ligur suggested

“...I’ll put down skincare products.” Aziraphale shook his head. “Ana, Beelz?” 

“A new can of hairspray?” Anathema said as she looked up from her lunch.

“Talent.” Beelzebub said as they stabbed their salad with a fork.

“...Carmine?”

“Well, my brother knows a guy who can get you ceramic rats.” She said. “And another guy who can get you drugs. Legal ones too.”

“Wh- No. Uriel?” Aziraphale groaned.

“I second the hairspray.” She said.

“Oh c’mon.. Does anyone have a good idea for a present for Gabriel?” He sighed.

“Talking about that prick gives me a rash.” Beelzebub said as they got up to throw their plate.

The momentary silence was broken by the ring of a cell phone. Hastur pulled his out and groaned.

“Your grandpa again?” Ligur asked as he sat up right.

“Yep.” Hastur said.

“Who else would call him?” Ribby snarked.

“Quiet.” Hastur said before answering. “Hi Grandpop… ugh, another computer problem? No, no, Grandpop I wasn’t being sarcastic. No, I- Grandpop did you turn the computer  _ on _ ? Gran- I’ll come over later and help you, ok? Ok. Bye, love you.” He hung up and groaned, laying his head on the table.

“You ok, man?” Crowley asked cautiously.

“No.” He muttered before picking his head back up. “My Grandpop got a new computer and that automatically turned me into tech support.”

“Yeesh, sorry to hear.” He said. “That bad?”

“Extremely. I was at his house for three hours last night. Now I have to go back again tonight.. Will one of you come with me?” Hastur looked to Ligur. “Ligur?”

“Sure, I’ll come.” He said.

“Thanks, Lig.” Hastur let out a deep sigh and kissed his forehead. “Means a lot.”

“...What if you get Gabriel a knife?” Carmine said, breaking the moment.

“Why would I get him a knife?” Aziraphale asked.

“Maybe he can finally stab those dumb purple eyes out.” Beelzebub said once they got back.

“Ok, Carmine and Beelz are officially off suggestion duty.” 

“Eh, suit yourself.” Carmine shrugged.

———

Hastur and Ligur made the trek up the stairs of a very old apartment complex that was decorated with a print-pattern that had gone out of style long before it was even made. When they reached the door at the end of the hall, Hastur let out a deep sigh as he turned to Ligur.

“Before we go in, I should warn you.” He said.

“About?”

“My Grandpop. I love him to death but.. he can be judgemental.” Ligur’s eyes narrowed with confusion.

“What?”

“...I haven’t told him i’m gay.”

“You what?” Ligur said surprised. “I thought you came out to the whole family.”

“I did! Except him.” Hastur rubbed the back of his neck.

“Hast-” 

“I always planned on it but it never worked it’s way into the conversation well and I don’t even know if he supports gay people.” Hastur said. “I just didn’t want him to look at me differently.”

“Oh..” Ligur gave him a quick, soft kiss. “Hastur La Vista, I love you and I support your choices. You tell him when you’re ready, ok?”

“Ok..” He sighed. “Let's just get this over with.” and then he rang the doorbell.

“I said no more damn solicitors!” Came a shout from inside. Hastur rolled his eyes.

“Grandpop, it’s Hastur!” Then came the sound at least 14 locks being undone before the door opened to a very short old man with more wrinkles than Hastur had freckles.

“Ah, Hastur my boy, good to see you.” His Grandpop smiled. “Come on now, give your blood a hug.” The two embraced and it was actually kinda sweet, even though Hastur had to bend down quite a bit to hug him.

“Grandpop, this is Ligur.” Hastur introduced the boy who stood behind him.

“Nice to meet you sir.” Ligur said as he shook the older man’s hand.

“And you too, young man. Come in!” Grandpop La Vista said as the two of them went inside.

Oh, were they in for it.

———

“Crowley my dear, I got it!” Aziraphale said as he tugged Crowley into his kitchen. “I finally found the perfect present for Gabriel.”

“Angel you’re going to pull my arm from my socket, calm down please.” He chuckled. “Show me.”

“Close your eyes, won't you?” Aziraphale said as Crowley obliged. “Tada!”

When Crowley uncovered his eyes, they were assaulted by a pair of lavender bedazzled boots with heels much too tall for someone with his pendulum like sway to walk in without toppling over.

“Shoes?” He asked.

“Boots!” Aziraphale said excitedly. “Fazzini Boots! Gabe has been dying to get his hands on a pair. I had to look at over a dozen stores but I found some! He’s going to love them!”

That’s when the front door opened, in walking Gabriel who looked absolutely jazzed. Aziraphale quickly hid the boots under the table.

“Hey, Gabe.” He tried to play it cool.

“Azzy, guess who’s has two thumbs and is already having a fantastic birthweek?” Gabriel grinned as he put up his thumbs. “This guy!”

“I’m so glad.” Aziraphale said.

“Look what I got at the mall!” He squealed as he stood up on the coffee table. Aziraphale’s face fell and his eyes went wide. “Fazzini Boots!”

“Wh- How??” Aziraphale gaped.

“I found the last pair at Simone’s!” Gabriel said as he got off the table. “Aren’t they great?”

“Yeah, they’re.. wow.” Aziraphale said glumly.

“Don’t worry, Az. You can borrow them. After I'm dead!” He chuckled as he ran upstairs. “Mom, Dad, look what I got!” Echoed as he made it out of earshot. Aziraphale slid into a chair defeatedly.

“Now what am I going to do?” He groaned, laying his head on the table.

“I’m just saying, cheese is a viable-“

“I’m not getting my brother cheese!” Aziraphale said.

“Ok, ok. Let’s see..” Crowley linked his fingers with Aziraphale’s, rubbing his palm with his thumb in an attempt to calm him down. “How about a song?”

“A song?” Aziraphale repeated.

“Yeah, you write it. Perform it for him with some of our friends. Record it too. It’ll be great.” Crowley said.

“That’s a brilliant idea, my dear. One problem,” He said “I don’t know how to write a song!”

“I can help you, angel.” Crowley brought Aziraphale’s hand to his lips and kissed it softly. “You know I’ve got your back.”

“Crowley, you’re so sweet..” He smiled just as softly.

“Don’t go tellin’ the whole school now.” Crowley chuckled. “Got a reputation to uphold.”

“Oh yes, the wily, spooky ol’ Serpent of Eden.”

“Nothin’ wrong with being spooky, angel. Big spooky fan, personally.”

“Yes, I’ve noticed from your black everything.” Aziraphale joked.

“It’s fashion!”

“It’s adorable.”

———

The room was tense as Hastur tried to fix his Grandpop’s computer. For someone who didn’t know how to send an email, he somehow had downloaded at least 30 spam bots, deleted his search browser, mirrored the mouse controls,  _ and _ jammed his dvd drive.

While Hastur was working on re-cacheing the hard drive, Ligur was sitting there on the couch awkwardly as Grandpop La Vista was mildly, ever so slightly, interrogating him.

“So, you play any sports, young man?” He asked.

“Uh, no sir.” Ligur said. “Never was much of a sports guy, myself.”

“Ah. Explains why you go to an art school.” Grandpop nodded. Ligur wasn’t sure if that was an insult or not. “Any pets? Dogs?”

“..A chameleon.” He said. “His name’s Karma.”

“Ah. Why?”

“Like.. Like the song, Karma Chameleon? By Culture Club, released 1983?”

“Never heard of it. Got a girlfriend?”

Ligur’s eyes darted to Hastur, as if to plead and ask ‘are you done yet?’

“Ok, Grandpop. I think I got it working now.” Hastur said as he motioned his granddad and Ligur over.

“So how do I email this to my doctor?” Grandpop La Vista asked as he pointed to the only file Hastur had open. 

“Those are your system preferences. Why would you email that to your doctor?” Hastur asked, bewildered.

“You don’t know what an old man needs, boy!” He chided him.

“Grandpop-“

“You kids think you know everything don’t you?” And so started a very long winded rant by a man in his 70s that made Hastur want to bash his head into a wall.

———

**_@HastaLaVida_ **

_ “DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET OLD PEOPLE TO STOP TALKING? (In a nice way preferably)” _

Mood: Stressed

———

Back at Aziraphale’s house, he and Crowley were sitting adjacent to each other on the couch, Crowley with his laptop open and guitar out and Aziraphale with a notepad.

“How’s this?” Crowley said as he started to strum a nice tune. Aziraphale bobbed along to it.

“It sounds lovely.” He said.

“Great. Carmine and Michael already agreed to be your backup. Ana, Grim, and I’ll play. It’ll be the chiz.”

“What  _ is  _ chiz anyway?” 

“I think it’s a German sausage. Now we just need some lyrics.” Crowley said “Any ideas?”

“No..” Aziraphale admitted

“Ok, tell me some of your favorite things about Gabe?” He said as he strummed lightly. 

Aziraphale paused. 

Crowley looked at him.

Aziraphale stayed paused.

“I said-“

“No, I heard you.” Aziraphale nodded slowly. “Well.. He’s crazy.”

“Right, we knew this.” Crowley nodded.

“But, he’s my brother and I love him.” He added. “Plus, he’s the reason I got into Eden Arts.”

“Ok, well how’s this?” He started to strum again “ _ You might be crazy, but have I told you lately, that I love you? You’re the only reason that I, da da da da da..” _

Aziraphale clapped excitedly.

“That’s fantastic!” He said. “We can actually do this.”

“Of course we can.” Crowley said.

“This is going to be the best present Gabriel’s ever gotten.”

———

**_@AZFell_ **

**_“Gabriel_ ** _ is about to have the best birthday EVER!!!”  _

Mood: Excited

———

Aziraphale and Gabriel’s parents were lighting the candles to their eldest son’s birthday cake in the pitch dark, whispering to one another gleefully about how he’d be  _ so  _ surprised-

That’s when Gabriel got home and was welcomed with hugs and love from his parents. He thanked them for the cake and blew out the candles.

“Where’s Az?” He asked, looking around the dark. 

“He has a special surprise for you.” His mother said as they led him to sit on a rolling chair, pushing it into the living room.

That’s when the lights went up on a makeshift stage. Anathema, Crowley, and Grim stood up from their place hidden behind the piano.

“What’s going on?” Gabriel asked

“Relax, you’ll love it.” Crowley said as he hit the button on a smoke machine and sounded off for Anathema and Grim to start. Grim hit their drumsticks together as the music started. 

Out of the smoke and down from the stairs came Aziraphale dressed to the nines, followed by Carmine and Michael in similar glitzy outfits. Gabriel would want no less sparkle. The music was energetic and pop-y. Who woulda thought a band called the Midnight Vipers would be so good at electric pop?

_ “I don't want to make a scene, I don't want to let you down”  _ Aziraphale started to sing as Michael and Carmine danced to it.  _ “Try to do my own thing, and I'm starting to figure it out. That it's alright; keep it together! Wherever we go, and it's alright; oh well, whatever. Everybody needs to know.” _

His dance routine started, jazzing it up. The energy was immaculate. Absolutely wildin’. And Gabriel was definitely enjoying the song.

_ “You might be crazy, have I told you lately that I love you? You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly! And it's crazy that someone could change me. Now, no matter what it is I have to do, I'm not afraid to try. And you need to know that you're the reason why!” _

Aziraphale jumped off the step he was standing on and danced his way into the kitchen, Michael and Carmine pushing Gabriel’s chair to follow him before getting behind Aziraphale.

_ “If it was raining you would yell at the sun!”  _ Aziraphale and the girls did a synchronized step.  _ “Pick up the pieces when the damage is done! You say it’s just another day in the shade,” _ Aziraphale walked up to his brother’s chair and gave him a big hug, to which Gabriel returned.  _ “But look at what a mess we’ve made.” _

Aziraphale finished the last verse back on the stage and ended it on a great note. Everyone was excited. Bitches started clapping. It was a whole thing.

“Happy birthweek Gabriel!” Aziraphale exclaimed, hugging his brother who had gotten up out of the chair.

“Oh! Thanks Az,” Gabriel chuckled. “So where’s my present?”

Aziraphale’s face fell like a ton of bricks as people went dead silent.

“The song.. That was your present.” He had to have misheard him, right?

“A song isn’t a present.” Gabriel shook his head slightly, his face still smiling but with more a confused grin. Aziraphale, for as much of a sweet, pacifist he was, was  _ pissed _ . 

“This isn’t gonna be good.” Anathema whispered to Crowley, who nodded.

“Mom, Dad.” He said, his tone sharp. “Can you please take everyone outside?”

“Right this way, party people.” His dad said as he lead the way to the patio. “Don’t chase your brother with the family sword.”

“No promises!” Aziraphale said.

Once everyone cleared out, Aziraphale ran his fingers through his hair and groaned.

“I cannot believe you!” He said.

“Hey, I’m not the one who didn’t get his brother a present for his birthweek.” Gabriel said nonchalantly.

“I  _ did!  _ I wrote you a song! Me and the others performed for you!” Aziraphale motioned to the gaggle of people standing out on their patio. “We killed it!”

“How much did  _ that  _ cost?” Gabriel said.

“It didn’t cost money!”

“Then it’s not a present.” Aziraphale growled and grabbed Gabriel by the collar of his shirt, really unsure of what he’d actually do but he was just so damn mad. “Oh! Can’t hit your brother during his birthweek.” To which, Aziraphale let him go.

“Well, here,” Aziraphale pulled a small purple flash drive from his pocket and slapped it into Gabriel’s palm. “I’m  _ so  _ sorry this is all I got you.”

“What is this?” Gabriel asked, looking at it.

“A flash drive with the song on it.”

“How many gigs?”

“I don’t know, eight?!”

“...Kinda small.”

Aziraphale groaned frustratedly and left the room.

———

Later that night, Aziraphale and Crowley were texting. The wound was still fresh and Crowley could see it from the other end of the phone.

“I cannot believe him, Crowley! How can I be related to someone so- so- thoughtless?” He typed somewhere between angrily and utterly exhausted. “After all that hard work we did, too..”

“It’s ok, angel. Sometimes people are just jerks, even when they’re family.” Crowley tried to comfort his- well, they hadn’t exactly confirmed they were dating or not, and Crowley didn’t wanna push the subject now, not when Aziraphale was so upset. “You did amazing and that’s what matters.”

“Thank you, dear.. And please let everyone know I’m  _ so _ sorry about how insufferably arrogant my brother is.”

“Don’t worry, they know. We all know how Gabriel can be.”

“Right..”

“Chin up, angel. I’m sure after tonight he’ll realize he was being a prick.”

“I do hope you’re right.”

———

Hastur and Ligur were busy cuddling when Hastur’s phone buzzed for the third time that night. He sighed as he sat up. Ligur frowned slightly.

“Hi Grandpop-“ Hastur sighed. “No, no, you didn’t wake me. I was..” He turned to his boyfriend. “Studying.”

“Studying.. Nice save.” Ligur whispered, a small grin coming back to his face. Hastur only could smile back.

“What?” He asked, breaking out of his momentary gay trance to answer his Grandpop’s question. “Wh- Yeah, sure Grandpop. Tomorrow after school. Ok, see you then. Love you, bye.”

“You gotta go over again?” Ligur asked.

“Yeah.. Would you come with me again?” Hastur asked. Ligur grinded his teeth a little.

“I’m not sure if he likes me.” Ligur said. “And by that I mean I think he can tell.”

“About us? No. My Grandpop’s half blind in his left eye and all blind in social cues.”

“I don’t know Hast..”

“We’ll be alright. And If you get uncomfortable I’ll fudge something so we can leave.”

“Promise?”

“Anything for you.” Hastur kissed his boyfriend’s forehead and Ligur felt a little more at ease.

“Would you two be quiet, I'm tryna sleep!” An annoyed croak came from the bedside table drawer. Ligur then proceeded to watch his boyfriend argue with a frog puppet for several minutes.

God, he loved him.

———

**_@AZFell_ **

_ “Has anyone heard from  _ **_Gabriel_ ** _? I haven’t seen him all day.” _

Mood: Still Upset

———

Aziraphale was at his locker, putting away his books and talking to Beelzebub and Anathema, when his brother ran up to him, extremely excited, and wearing a new scarf. He pulled Aziraphale into a hug and twirled him around, only making Aziraphale even more confused than he was before.

“Azzy! Oh, hi Anathema, Beelzebub.” He waved.

“Yeah I don’t like you.” Beelzebub said as they pulled Anathema to leave.

“Um, hi?” Aziraphale said, well, questioned. “What are you all excited about?”

“I’m just so happy about your birthweek present.” He said. Aziraphale’s face softened, maybe his brother was finally making a change.

“Oh, Gabriel..” Aziraphale said.

“Yeah, doesn’t the scarf look great?” Gabriel fiddled with it. “I know a lot of teen boys can’t pull off the whole scarf thing but ya know I look good in anything-“

“Wait, wait.” Aziraphale stopped him. “I didn’t buy you that scarf.”

“Did too. Well, indirectly. See, I sold the song that you wrote me and I used the money to buy the scarf.” Aziraphale’s eyes went huge and his jaw slacked.

“You  _ what? _ ” He asked.

“Yeah! You know my friend Hannah?”

“Little hands, lazy eye?”

“Yeah. Her cousin works at a big name record studio. I played the song for him and he went  _ nuts _ . He thinks it could be a hit! Payed me 500 bucks for the rights.” Gabriel said. “That’s not all, he wants me to record it professionally!”

“ _ You _ ?” Aziraphale asked. “You didn’t even sing it. I did!”

“Yeah well,” Gabriel did a fake hiss. “I may have left that out.”

“You-“ Aziraphale shook his head in disbelief. “You cannot be serious!”

“Of course I can.”

“You didn’t sing the song, I should be the one singing it for the record producer!”

“Yeah well, you did write it for me. So it’s  _ my _ big break.” Gabriel said as the bell rang. “Gotta scamper.”

And so, Aziraphale stood there in utter disbelief. His brother, oh god, he was going to make a fool of himself.

———

“I’m just saying a young man needs to find a good gal and settle down.” Grandpop La Vista had been going on and on about how back in his day young people had gotten together with their partners at Ligur and Hastur’s age and waiting will only end up with the less-than-the-best girls. Both boys cringed at the old man’s misogyny, knowing if any of their female friends had heard that they’d have no problem sending this man to an early grave.

“I just don’t think a girl is really what's on my mind.” Ligur said, awkwardly. “Really, I'm more of a study first guy.”

“Ah, that’s what they all say.” He waved it off. “I’m tellin’ you young man. Best not to wait.”

“Grandpop, maybe you can not bother Ligur and help me figure out your computer. How did you even get it to this screen size?” Hastur asked as he tried to fix  _ another _ problem.

“Ah, fooey. An old man like me can’t remember things like that.” He said. “Now, Hastur why do you think i’m bothering your friend? Im, just makin’ conversation.”

“It’s invasive.”

“It’s advice!”

“It’s  _ bad _ advice.”

Ligur shrunk in on himself as he watched the two start to argue.

“Hastur maybe if you listened to it you wouldn’t be without someone.”

“Im not!” Uh oh.

“You’re what?” Grandpop asked. “Well, whos the lucky gal?”

“It’s..” Hastur realized he couldn’t turn back now. But he wasn’t going to just let his Grandpop keep making Ligur uncomfortable. He rubbed the back of his neck, his heart racing and his breath short. “It’s Ligur. We’re dating. Have been for a year now.”

“...Well, congratulations!” Grandpop said. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“What?” Hastur and Ligur both questioned.

“Grandpop.. did you hear me right? I’m- I’m gay.” Hastur said.

“I know that Hastur. Look at you. You go to a performing arts school and dye your hair white. A blind person could see you’re gay.” Grandpop said. Ok, lil’ bit of an outdated notion but not completely wrong.

“And.. you’re ok with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you know.. You’re very critical.” Hastur said. “And.. old.”

“Gay people have been around a long time, Hastur. Not like I didn’t know some back in my day.” He said. “Besides, you’re my grandson. I’d never look at you any different.. did you think I would?”

“...Maybe.” Hastur muttered.

“Oh, my boy.” Grandpop hugged him. “You are my one and only grandson. I love you more than life itself and I would never ever judge you. I know the world might, but you never were afraid to be yourself. I mean look! You carry that old puppet I made for you and aren’t afraid people are gonna call you weird.” Hastur had to keep his mouth shut about that, because some people did but that’s besides the point. Grandpop turned to Ligur. “And i'm so sorry, I shouldn’t of been so intrusive.”

“It’s ok, Mr. La Vista. Glad we got all that sorted out, though.” Ligur sighed in relief.

“Now, what about the computer?” Hastur said. “Wanna try to work it, Grandpop?”

“Oh, alright.” He said, walking over. He typed a few words, and the machine caught on fire.

Hastur and Ligur just kinda looked at it, because this man’s inability with computers was kind of astounding.

———

Gabriel fixed the headset he was wearing in the sound booth at the record studio, giddy and positively amped for what was to be his most embarrassing moment yet.

“Ready in there?” The producer asked, getting a huge thumbs up from the purple-coated boy. “Ok.. in three.. two.. one.” 

When the record light was switched on, Gabriel started to sing. Well, you couldn’t really call it singing per-se.. it was more like the sound of a cat stuck in a garbage disposal and begging for its life to end. The producer covered his ears and cut the mic quickly.

“What was that?” He muttered, before clicking the overhead mic. “Gabriel?”

“Oh, hi. Do we got a problem? Do you want me to do that again?” He asked.

“No!” The producer exclaimed “Why didn’t you just sing it like you did on the tape?”

“Oh.. I was just,” Gabriel hissed lightly. “Trying somethin’. Spice it up a little.”

“Well stick to salt and pepper.” The producer said. “Let’s go again.”

And so they tried again and Gabriel still sucked. Like really,  _ really _ sucked. He sucked so badly that the producer had to mute his microphone  _ again _ .

After about an hour of trying, the producer was just about ready to give up. But Gabriel rushed out of the soundbooth.

“Wait! Wait.” He said. “Let me make a call and we can fix all of this.”

“You have 10 minutes. Or I'm cutting this.”

Gabriel winced in honestly-could’ve-been-seen-a-mile-away defeat and pulled out his phone.

“Hey, Aziraphale?”

——

In the soundbooth Aziraphale was killing it. Hitting every note perfectly on beat. The Producer, Gabriel, and Crowley were all watching from the sound deck.

“He’s good.” The Producer said. “Real good.” Then he turned to Gabriel. “ _ No _ idea how you thought you could pass off his voice as your own.”

“We sound.. similar.”

“No,” Crowley said. “No you do not.”

And he was right, no Gabriel did not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel can have little a bitchyness, as a treat.
> 
> If you liked this, leave some love and comments down below! 
> 
> Follow me @BeezandBitches on Tumblr
> 
> Have a lovely day!


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